Having mixed feelings towards graduating /// 12:30 AM
Self-reflection
To sum up this semester, I'd say it's analogous to walking along a tunnel that sees no end, if I view it in terms of outcomes, workload and results. But if I look past that and at the process of learning, it's ... not that bad. haha.
To sum up my 4 years in university, one simile - as fast as Japan's bullet-train. I simply can't believe that these 365 times 4 days passed at such a speed and i bet you, with it, I started accumulating many rings as well. Yeah, dark rings over the eyes. Signs of aging and lack of sleep.
And somehow, I don't remember having gained 4-years worth of knowledge. hehe
To summarise,
I could still remember being such a slacker in Year 1 and 2, putting in minimal effort in my assignments and socialising all the time. My life took a 180 degrees turn when I got my first distinction in year 2 sem 1 and that heralded a new stage in my life. One that is fueled by vigour and positive drive. In the following sems, i saw the fruit of my labour (with the grace and will of God), and started accumulating better scores. In year 3 sem 1, I remembered having embarked on a different route as the rest of the year 3s as I daringly took a year 4 module and efforts paid off where I scored close to a first class. Last sem was a pleasantly pleasant surprise as my grades made it to the first class range. I'd like to continue painting an optimistic picture for this sem, but sad to say, it's an ambivalence that i've yet to resolve. This sem is different from the rest. The modules are much tougher and the amount of readings for 2 of the modules is heavier than the usual level-4000 module. The results that I've been receiving aren't as promising as I hope they would have been.
Having said all these, that begs the question:
What have I accomplished at the end of these 4 years? What skills have I learnt that I can carry with me into the workforce? How have I grown?
Firstly, although the accumulative score does matter, personally, I feel that's not the most important thing. What's more important is the process of learning and growing in character and maturity as an individual. I've had several bouts of self-reflections during the period of this semester where I struggle to find the balance between striving to obtain better grades and where to draw the line. It's not easy, really. Now as I look back, i often found myself lost in vicious 'if-only' thoughts, which conformed to a daily pattern this semester. If only I had paid more attention in class. If only I had read that chapter... And at times, that self-inflicting pressure on myself caused me to rely more on my own strength. Many times, I felt angry at myself for losing the purpose that God has for me and ended up steering into another path deviates from His. But who am I to blame but myself?
There's no point, really, if I've fail to see the broader picture and the ultimate goal, which ain't to please myself. Using grades as a tool to strive for perfection is not wrong and many people do that. Looking back, I came to the realisation that the relentless pursuit of grades is not going to bring you anywhere if it's at the cost of one's mental and emotional health. Students now are just getting pressurized and stressed up with their academics given the competitive environment that we have. However it shouldn't be the outcomes one
solely fixates on (although our society has inculcated that tendency in us since young). Instead, it's the learning process, the enjoyment of gaining knowledge and wisdom that one should anticipate (oh my, i really sound like a teacher!). Yet it's true, isn't it? The process of learning deepens our understanding with regards to the purposes of studying and makes life as a student more worthwhile and enduring.
Secondly, I realised the power of planning. Planning ahead is an indispensable tool to motivating oneself towards achieving a long-term goal. Without planning, the target aim just seems so far away and temptations may easily propel me towards them.
Thirdly, through the ups and downs of this semester, I learnt sth about myself. This semester, several stressors appeared at my doorstep simultaneously and like death-eaters in HP, they stretched my limits and sucked the life out of me. From academic matters to adjusting to a life without much social interaction to handling a long-distance r/s with the bf to outside-school commitments to certain important matters to attend to, I feel like i'm just treading on thin ice. It left me vulnerable. Yeah, vulnerable, i guess that's the word. It's very different from how I survived through the past semesters. Close interaction with different groups of friends via frequent meetups either weekly or fortnightly has always been an imperative the past semesters but for this sem, somehow, things changed. The heavy workload of this semester, esp after my sister left in end January, occupied my time till I had no more energy and time left to meet up with beloved friends who mean so much to me. Thus, this semester taught me where my limits are and to be more independent.
The ultimate lesson throughout the course of these 4 years is to be thankful.
To be thankful for everything, big or small. For the good and the bad.
And especially for friends and family, whom i'm extremely grateful of. The joys that friendship brings is something that one can never underestimate. It tastes so sweet and it clearly rejuvenates me. I'm so thankful that for all the semesters, God has sent sugar-sweet angels whose optimism give me renewed strength. I'm so thankful for words of encouragement, for hilarious LMAO conversations over meals, for sweet messages over messages/whatsapp/fb, for warm friendly hugs, for words of concern and support. And not to forget, my ever-so-supportive mother and sister, whose perpetual support and assurance they give, reminds me that love has no boundaries.
Now that it's the last week of the last semester, having finished one paper last week and with 3 more to go, my confidence is at a rather low ebb. However, I'm gonna do my best for the last 3 papers that i'm gonna take this Wed-Priday and trust that God will guide me through. Thank you Father for the downs of this semester to remind me to rely on Your strength. Teach me to continue to give thanks to You and to be contented, regardless of the grades i'll get in the end and to focus on the process; not the outcome. All glory to God!
Okay, enough of my random ramblings. Don't even know if I made any sense.
Anw, a friend will be coming over to mug tmr and i'm looking forward to catching the 10-11 pm channel U show with her! So exciting!
"To appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know that even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Oh, and by the way, I didn't find the courage to book myself a ticket to Phuket this semester. Darn.
It's been some time /// 11:56 PM
There's this one message that never fails to make me smile:
"Random thoughts that I wanna say before I forget, haha,
Drinkwise, you like those mocha, cookie plus chocolate kind,
or perhaps just some strong chocolate coffee cold drink.
You never drink hot coffee at all.
If you were to eat ice cream or yogurt,
your favourite flavour will be peach.
Yogurt topping will be the colourful cereal,
and if pearl is available,
it will be on the top of the list.
You like cheesecake.
Oreo or blueberry.
So far, the nicest is from Resort World.
Oh, and almond milk shake from sweettalk.
If we eat Western, you won't eat much meat.
Instead, you will choose to eat pasta, with cheese as your favourite ingredient,
although you don't like pizza.
Still not done.
Lets move on to healthy foods.
Fruit-wise, there's chinese pear, big grapes and watermelon.
Not to forget lots of plum powder.
There's also durian and the 'something air' thing.
Oh and there's green mango.
Moving on to noodles,
Top 2 will be ban mian and bak chor mee.
Then there's mee sua and ji si mian.
You don't eat white chicken, only roasted chicken.
You dislike seafood,
though somehow you like seafood soup.
And then there's sambal fried rice.
Yeah."
